Broken
by JackGirl
Summary: Susan struggles with losing Narnia and her family. A songfic based on Lifehouse's "Broken".
1. Chapter 1

The lyrics are from "Broken" by Lifehouse. Thanks to Luvtowritefics247 for the song suggestion.

I hope this is not too confusing. Check the dates at the beginning of the sections to see if the part is between the Pevensie's second return from Narnia and the accident (1941-1949), or after the accident (1949-on).

A/N This has been edited again. (23/07/2012)

* * *

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time  
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

* * *

Tuesday, November 3, 1941 1:24 AM, Saint Finbar's Ladies Academy

Foggy night lay over the school like a woolen blanket. But unlike a warm blanket, the silence offered no comfort. Only one student was awake to notice the disquiet though. Susan Pevensie stared at the gray ceiling. Her roommate's breathing had evened out hours ago, yet sleep proved elusive for the thirteen year-old school girl. The problems that had plagued her all day refused to leave with the sun. In fact, they seemed to grow stronger with the cold. Susan was, normally, a rather reserved girl. However, when one of the local boys, an adorable but less then brilliant fellow, had invited her to a party in town, Susan had hesitated to say no. She knew that Lucy would not approve because the boy was three years older than Susan. She knew Edmund would not approve because the local boy was not necessarily the most honorable person in the world. She knew Peter would not approve because no one was good enough for his sister, and because he would not be there to look after her. On the other hand, it was only a party. There would be quite a few older girls there and Susan knew she could use the chance to make a good impression. Besides, a little teenage rebellion never hurt. Susan silenced the little voice in her head that warned her not to go, a little voice that sounded suspiciously like Edmund. With the promise of a good time on her mind, Susan drifted off to sleep, a smile on her face.

* * *

Sunday, October 2, 1949 1:24 AM, The Pevensie Home, Finchley

* * *

The ticking of the clock is the only sound in the dark. Susan rests unmoving on the bed. Her shoes are still on her feet, her pin still in her hair. It had been a glorious party, but Susan had difficulty getting in the spirit of things. She missed Henry. That was the simple truth. There were other young men that she could go out with, but her most recent boyfriend was a hard one to top. However, there was a new boy at the dance, he certainly had possibilities. With his face on her mind Susan drifted off to sleep with a smile gracing her features.

* * *

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain, there is healing  
In your name I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you

* * *

Saturday, January 17, 1942 6:32 PM, Saint Finbar's Ladies Academy

Susan stared at her reflection, her dull face stared back. She wanted to get out of her dorm room, but there was nowhere to go. Margaret, who was a year ahead of Susan, had invited her to a party that evening. But Susan was not sure if she could handle another one just yet. The few she had been to last semester had been fun, but felt wrong somehow.

The door banging sharply against the wall pulled her out of her reverie. Susan's obnoxious roommate had returned early. That sped up the decision making process. Picking up a brush she began to skillfully apply makeup. She squished Edmund's warning voice into a back corner of her mind, something she noticed was getting easier.

Susan could barely recognize the face in the mirror. With this mask in place no one could see the broken heart she was hiding. She had heard someone say that in pain, there is healing. But all she ever seemed to feel was the pain, never the healing. Maybe one day it would come. But for tonight she would lose herself in the dancing. And maybe, for a moment, forget the emptiness swallowed her life.

* * *

Tuesday, August 23, 1949 6:32 PM, The Pevensie Home, Finchley

Susan cast another glance at the door. Penelope was late. _Again_. She never seemed to be on time to pick up Susan for parties. Another look at the clock then Susan wondered to the kitchen. A knock on the door and Susan is there in an instant, ready to go. But instead of Penelope standing beside the door, there is a uniformed officer. Moments later, what is left of Susan Pevensie's world crashed down around her. She fell to the ground, gasping for breath. The world spun distractedly, then she knew nothing but darkness.

* * *

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head  
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead  
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes  
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

* * *

_Golden eyes melted the ice walls and filled the hole that replaced her heart. The life she was searching for was within reach, waiting for her to reach out and grasp it. So close, yet barred by her own choices_.

Tuesday, September 16, 1941 12:29 AM, Saint Finbar's Ladies Academy

Susan jolted awake, the dream already mostly forgotten, except for those golden eyes. Eyes that were full of love for her. For a moment she almost let herself remember. But it was not to be. The gold disappeared into darkness and Susan refused to reach toward the hope.

_Green grass. Blue sky. Clear water. A young man and woman stood side by side, each wearing a silver crown. The third stood apart from the other two, closer to where Susan stood. He was tall and regal, a golden crown upon his head. He offered his hand to Susan._

* * *

Thursday, September 8, 1941 12:29 AM, Saint Finbar's Ladies Academy

Susan was not surprised she had dreamt of her siblings. What confused her was that they were wearing crowns. There was a thought nudging at the back of her mind, but Susan had been ignoring the little voice for too long to notice it now. So, instead, she curled up into a tight ball and tried to go back to sleep.

* * *

Sort of sad, I know. If it is too confusing say so in a review and I will clarify when I update with the second part.

Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

Here is part two. There should be one more chapter after this.

Pay attention to the dates, things jump around a _lot_.

Enjoy.

* * *

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
with a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing  
In your name (in your name) I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')  
I'm barely holdin' on to you

* * *

Friday, January 30, 1942 10:47 AM, Saint Finbar's Ladies Academy

One winter day, in the middle of a rather boring history lesson on the global effects of the domestication of donkeys, Susan had an epiphany. It was not life altering or anything of that nature, it was simply a deeper understanding of the world as she knew it. Until that moment, Susan had assumed that her life revolved around classes, friends and parties; not necessarily in that order. However, with the suddenness of a light bulb being switched on, Susan realized that her life revolved around something else entirely. Something more solid, more real. There was a pillar in her life that she had somehow missed in her equation. Peter. How she could have forgotten him was beyond her. The next thing she realized was that _he_ was the thing keeping her from letting go and having fun at the parties she attended. So she made a decision, much like the one she had made a while ago concerning that silly children's game. Time to let go of everything that was holding her back, the same way she had gotten over that dull old day dream.

* * *

Thursday, August 25, 1949 10:47 AM, The Pevensie Home, Finchley

As Susan sat staring out her window her mind drifted back to the time she had spent with her siblings. She traced her relationship with them back through the years. When she reached late January 1942, she found a problem. She remembered the conclusion she had reached after her epiphany. But now, with the gift of hindsight, she realized that she had never really been able to completely separate herself from her family. He had remained her pillar up to the moment he died. And now, as she sat alone, the fact that she was adrift in her own life, without an anchor to hold her through the storm, became the dominant thought in her mind. So she did the only thing she had the strength left to do. She lay back on her bed and let go.

As the darkness pressed in, Susan noted that even on the edge of oblivion there was no peace for her soul. Shadows telling her it would never end, there is no escape. Then the whispers of darkness were shattered by a powerful light and a distant sound that she could not identify. For a moment Susan was back in a time when life was happy and love was strong. Then it was gone, so fast she thought she might have imagined it. The darkness was back, stronger than ever. Susan began to fight the shadow, but she knew it was already too late. She had strayed too close to the edge. As she fought she became aware of other things; the darkness was silent now, she was not as cold as she had been before. Then something else caught her attention. Or perhaps she just opened her eyes for the first time. She stared for a moment, wondering if it would disappear like a mirage in a desert. But it did not. And when she looked away then back again, it was still there. A light, dim and distant, but there. Summoning strength she was not aware she had, she fought her way toward the light.

* * *

I'm hangin' on another day  
Just to see what you throw my way  
And I'm hanging on to the words you say  
You said that I will be OK

* * *

Tuesday, June 4, 1940 3:27 PM, Professor Kirke's Mansion

Susan was getting rather tired of surprises. Mostly because they tended to be bad, but also because they ruined the order she was striving to create in their lives. But as she lay on her back in the meadow behind the Professor's mansion, she decided that picnics were the exception to the rule. She also decided that picnics, shared with her siblings, swapping tales of Narnia, were the best way to spend a sunny afternoon. No matter how much they upset the order of things.

* * *

Thursday, August 25, 1949 3:27 PM, Unknown

_In darkness I wait. Struggling toward the light brings memories to the surface. Each one giving me strength to go just a little further. My family together, whole and strong, dominates the rush of memories. I am almost there, so close, yet there are no more memories surfacing to give me strength. I can feel one, just under the surface, slipping from my grasp. I remember a picnic we went on. But it is like a shadow of a memory, not fully there. Sliding through my fingers._ _I tried again and was lost in a memory of a distant train ride._

* * *

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone  
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

* * *

Saturday, December 20, 1941 6:17 PM, A Train Car

The train ride stretched into eternity. Susan thought it became a bit more bearable after the boys joined them. Now the four of them were packed together in the chilly car. Well, Susan was snuggled against Lucy and Peter, but Edmund was pressed against the window, trying to see if he could figure out the name of the next stop. His goal was to determine how far they were from home. After the cheerful announcement that they were approximately two-thirds of the way home, Edmund joined the pile.

Susan was the first to break the huddle. Leaving when the conversation turned to things she did not want to discuss. She had almost fallen asleep against when the train screeched to a halt quite suddenly. Peter immediately went to inquire about the unscheduled stop and Susan rejoined her younger siblings. When Peter returned he explained that high winds had knocked a couple of trees down over the tracks. They would be clear and moving again in no time. Lucy leaned against Edmund looking relieved. Edmund just smiled at her and reminded Lucy that no matter how far they were from home, there was someone who could always find them. Lucy smiled, nodded and said, "Aslan."

* * *

Thursday, August 25, 1949 6:17 PM, The Pevensie Home, Finchley

_**Aslan**_. The word was an echo, a whisper, a prayer and a mighty roar all in one magnificent noise. It swept through the darkness of Susan's mind, filling her with a light that had been dearly missed.

* * *

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
with a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain (In the pain) there is healing  
In your name I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')

* * *

Monday, August 25, 1941 6:18 PM, The Pevensie Home, Finchley

Susan had given the decision careful consideration. She had looked at it from every angle. It just was not worth the waste of time to pretend any longer. It was all just a game. She was too old for such things. So, as of 6:18 PM on Monday the 25th of August, 1941, Susan Pevensie did not believe.

* * *

Thursday, August 25, 1949 6:18 PM, The Pevensie Home, Finchley

As of 6:18 PM on Thursday the 25th of August, 1949, Susan Pevensie believed. But with the belief came a shadow of doubt. She had given up Narnia, sent it so far she could never catch up. Darkness came, creeping up on the edges of her mind. But this time Susan knew how to fight back. _Please help me_. She prayed silently then added a vocal plea: "Aslan."

* * *

Please read and review!


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, that took a while. Sorry to anyone who was actually reading this story. I seem to be reentering a FanFiction stage so several of my works will be edited/posted/completed soon. Then I will veer off in a completely different direction for a while. Yay. Anyway, here is the completed "Broken"

* * *

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')

* * *

Unknown, Unknown.

An hour passed. Or maybe a moment. Perhaps just an eternity. Susan lost all notion of time and space as she rested in the light. His light.

The changes were small at first. A slight focusing of the light, shapes began to form. No, not shapes, shape. As Susan began to run toward the shape she became aware of the world around her for the first time. She was running over a grassy hill. The light had solidified into a great Lion. She was almost home.

Susan through her arms around The Lion's neck and she was home.

* * *

I'm barely holdin' on to you

* * *

Always, Home

"Go, my daughter, further up, further in."

At The Lions command she began to walk. The hill seemed to go on forever, past waterfalls and lakes, people she had never seen and the most famous of Narnians. She saw King Caspian X, standing beside Reepicheep and Trumpkin. She saw Mr. Tumnus and her courtiers. And when, at last, she reached the top of the hill, she beheld a walled garden and inside a King and Queen enthroned.

Three figures stepped into her line of sight. A man, tall and dark, with a silver crown upon his head, a young lady, bright and beautiful, and another man, who radiated _home_.

Susan ran to them, embraced them, to hold and never let go.

* * *

Well, I hope that was sort of worth the wait. Review if you enjoyed it. Or didn't, there is always room for improvement.


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